Saying Goodbye, part 1

Okay, so this is hard.

It’s one thing to have the idea to leave. It’s another to begin the process of separating by looking for what’s next. When it comes to saying goodbye, that is where the rubber hits the road. And we had to do it twice in one transition. I know pastors don’t normally get to publicly speak into these things. If you’re a pastor, please, read through. If you’re not a pastor, hopefully this will help you see we’re just as human as you are. There’s some unwritten rule not to talk about this, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why. The faith of the church isn’t in me or in any other pastor. It’s supposed to be in Jesus. He’s perfect, and He’s working on me.


When I made the decision to leave my previous position in the August before I left. I was making a painful decision that I had previously been determined not to take. When I have seen some ministers leave in the past, I have been tempted (not knowing everything) to think that they weren’t giving God enough credit or authority because they had some idea that they couldn’t see something through. It was a sign of weakness to me. It was a lack of faith, and it upset me.

And then I was the one in the hot seat. Funny how things happen to change when you know all the details, when you’ve experienced all the emotions. Things look different when you’re the one who feels neglected or beat down or doubted or whatever else bad stuff you might feel. Personally, again transparency here, I was feeling pretty worthless and ineffective. People were leaving and I found myself jealous of their freedom to go. That’s not a good place to be when you’re supposed to be the one leading and pastoring them. They saw the leadership stall out, they saw my attitude shifting. I accept my part.

I wanted to go to the big church down the street. I wanted to just worship and have no responsibilities. I was worn out. I had faith. I felt it, but I was dealing deeply with disappointment and rejection. When fear on our part stalls out the things that God wants to do, it’s hard to reconcile. When you’re energized and ready to go and your teammates in leadership are the ones dealing with trepidation, it can be incredibly frustrating. It creates friction. It can make things volatile. It can hurt.

You need a release. You need a God-honoring pressure valve, and looking back, I wish someone had pressed me into a place where I would have reached out even more. But so often, frustration can drive us deeper and deeper within ourselves. It cripples us, slaps blinders on our heart and eyes, and keeps us from seeing options that might be right in front of us. When you’re an introvert who can pretend to be an extrovert 2-3 times a week, retreating into quiet becomes a very attractive and comfortable place.

When your counselors press you to step away, to move out from toxicity, it makes anything and everything else look good. Again, this is not a good place for a pastor to be. I should have taken a vacation, gone on a retreat, sought out an extended coaching time. But since I was planning on leaving, it was more about being in survival mode rather than being effective with the time I had left. Again, just pointing this out, my attitude was not in the right place. The pressure and need for revitalization within the church was a constant pressure and I felt very alone.

But hindsight is often 20/20, and those blinders we wear in frustration can be really, really effective. There’s danger in the echo chamber they create, and I walked into my goodbye from within this echo chamber.

So, December rolled around and the pressure was building. It was the first Christmas season, the first Advent, I have celebrated where I just wanted it to be over. The careful approach to anticipation was gone. The reverent remembering was relegated to ‘maybe next year’ status. So, after Christmas wrapped up, we had an elder’s meeting, we had a very frank conversation and I resigned my position.

Have you ever seen one of those scenes in a movie when an EMP goes off and there’s a pulse of energy that presses out from the device? That’s what happened with my stress, my frustration, and my withheld tension.


The elder sitting next to me said, “Did you feel that?” Seriously, he felt it physically come off from me. Don’t tell me that there wasn’t an unseen spiritual component at work here during this. He asked again, “Really, did you feel that?” he was amazed and concerned. I told him that’s what I had been carrying for months and months. I told them I was sad there wasn’t some attempt to walk through the hardship together. After all, this wasn’t their first time we’d had tough conversations. We had talked through this, or attempted to,  many times. I said a few other things from that, they let me vent a little, and I expressed my hope for what might still come there. Some of the guys in the room started crying, some apologized. One sat stoic, unmoved by my departure.

We wrapped up quickly at that point. They committed to providing for my family for the next 90 days, which was amazing, and I promised them that I would continue to operate with complete integrity and without drama. They didn’t ask me to do that, that promise was mine. They reassured me they weren’t worried about me in that regard (which was nice to hear, they at least knew my integrity mattered to me), we prayed and parted ways.

When I got to the car, I called my wife, told her I was coming home and then called my parents and played everything out from the evening to them as I drove. The mixture of relief, sorrow, confusion and hurt washed over me through the following days. I told the staff, one by one, I kept it quiet until the following Sunday. I wasn’t going to drag this out.

I jump into the cold pool. I rip off the band aid. I don’t stretch out unpleasant circumstances. I wasn’t going to drag the church through this with some prolonged leaving. I once saw a minster take six months to leave and it was painful. I was determined to let everyone move on as quickly as possible…but that’s for the next post.

I have to tell the couple of hundred people that I had served and served alongside of for almost a decade. That was going to be the hardest part, and the next post.



Someday, I’ll Do Something Great

We all hope for something. We truly, deeply want to see something happen. Maybe it’s a steady paycheck that actually pays the bills. Maybe it’s that new car. Maybe it’s a promotion. Maybe it’s that our children are successful. Maybe it’s that tomorrow comes without drama, sickness or hurt. We all long for something, We all want to see something happen. We make promises to ourselves that it’s going to happen.


Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Step one is remembering that God already has a plan laid out for us. He has a pattern He wants to build on and work from. It’s non-negotiable. We are called to walk in the image of Christ, having put Him on as our new identity. If anything great is going to come out of us, it’s going to be because of Him.

So, if you have plans, hand them over to Jesus. Let Him give them a work over, refocus them, and then press forward with Him. If you want to do great things for God, then expect great things from God. Move in faith, and roll with Him.

It’s a walk of faith & it’s about His glory.

Saturday Something – Ep 2: Forgiveness


Forgiveness is nice when it’s for us.
Forgiveness is hard when we have to give it.


Build Where No-one Has

Have you ever started something brand new? There’s a lot of work that begins that process. There are resources to gather, people to inform, learning to do…the list goes on and on. That’s the road that God started laying on my heart in the Summer of 2016. You see, my wife and I had been working with a church for about 7 years at that point and it was in deep and desperate need of revitalization. If you’ve never looked into what is required for church revitalization, it’s a long, difficult process At the best, people are inspired, a vision is grasped and a new community emerges from the old. Beauty springs from ashes. At the worst, the doors close, the body disperses, and hearts are broken.

IMG_0573 We wound up somewhere in between, but much closer toward the latter than the former. Visions were cast and disparaged in the same day, frustrations were building, betrayals were taking place, woven in lies through the congregation by a single staff member. The enemy was having a heyday with us. Leadership balked at every step, kowtowed to fear and essential conversations were refused. That’s about as deep as I want to get into it, but suffice it to say, it was unhealthy & bad. This post isn’t about them, or meant to point fingers. It was simply the reality at the time. The church still exists, I pray she advances almost daily.

In the midst of that hurt and hopelessness, God began to persistently whisper something to my heart and He would not stop. “Go build. Lay a foundation where no one has.” Over and over again. “Go build. Lay a foundation where no one has.” He put this singular message on repeat in my head. I knew the context, and I was coming to the end of my fight where I was. I knew the context. I really did. I knew it, those words were Paul’s and they were missionary words. But my mind and heart were still clinging to our current location. I don’t give up. I can be stubborn to a fault. I’m not noisy, but I’m tenacious, and I only had one finger left clinging to that ledge.

I was ready to fall into something different. And God rescued us from ourselves.

My wife and I had engaged in a conversation where she was trying to hype me back up and letting me know that she was ready to fight and keep pressing, but that next day, the other shoe dropped. Decisions were pressed and forced. They were not handled well, and I was caught off guard. In my heart, I quit that day. In my head, I knew the timing was terrible for my departure, so I dug that final finger into the cliff face for a 6 month press. My wife and I began to pray a new prayer. “Lord, we are ready, we know you are calling us out. We are ready for an adventure.”

That’s a scary prayer, but it was also a prayer of freedom.

To say it was rough was a massive understatement. But God kept whispering into my heart. “Go build,” “Lay a new foundation,” and “Lay one where no one has.” He was putting direction into our future, guiding us toward something different, something new, something that would utilize our passions, the vision He had placed on our hearts, and open us up to true, intentional multi-ethnic ministry.

So, for 6 months I began internally saying goodbye to people I had spent the better part of a decade with, served alongside of and still held a deep love for. I knew I was leaving, being called out, and I needed these last months to know that I wasn’t running away. Even in that time I knew that God had something for me to learn. And He taught me in that painful, desert place. They were tough lessons. They were internally focused, and there was a lot of discussion about my doubts and fears. The hurts would be handled later…

For now, there was something coming, something new. Looking back, there was a lot more I should have done in regards to soul care, in seeking counsel. I did seek people out, people I respected, people who knew our situation, and the godly counsel I received from every side was. “Yes. Leave. Leave quickly. Don’t make yourself a martyr. You are meant for more than this.” and so the call out was confirmed over and over again. It was just a matter of where. I knew the when. And then God started laying bread crumbs out in front of us…but that’s another post.

If you are a minister struggling where you are, this is not a confirmation for you to leave where you are. God may have a very different course and plan for you than He has for me and my family. Odds are, He probably does. But if you are suffering harm, if you are being hurt, then you need to begin having those tough conversations with people who have the luxury of outside eyes. Seek God-honoring counsel. And understand your family comes first. If harm is coming to them, then you fight for your family. I did my best to protect mine, but I know that’s not always possible.

Notes on leaving from : Ron Edmonson,  Carey Nieuwhof, Mark Dance, Sherry Surratt
Notes on longevity from: Curtis Thomas, Charles Arn, Joe Buchanan,  Ron Cook

I have the advantage of time right now. This struggle was 18 months ago as of the date of this writing. A lot of healing has taken place. Relationships have been restored. God has spoken beauty into our ashes, and He’s still moving, changing, healing. I’m no where near done. But I am where that foundation will be laid, and there’s a lot of good that has come from our movement in Him.

If you’re still reading. Seek Him in your pain. Seek Him in your hurt. He is faithful. He does see you. He knows what you’re struggling with in His Name and for His bride. He may steel your reserve, telling you to stay and outlive & outlast those whose hearts are no longer Gospel-centered and who simply want their own way. He may call you to the furthest reaches of the earth. I certainly don’t know. But know that He knows. You are loved. Your hurts are known, and He wants to carry them for you. You are loved, you precious child of the King. You are loved, and if you are loved by Him, then you are certainly worthwhile and worth more than you understand.

Be at peace in Him.

Integrity Defines Us

“The righteous who walks in his integrity –
blessed are his children after him!”
Proverbs 20:7

I was reading through the account of Jacob’s encounter and decades spent working for his uncle Laban. These two men seemingly deserved each other. Jacob had stolen his brother’s inheritance and his blessing from their father, Isaac. This was essentially an irrevocable identity theft. The family name and fortune now belonged solely to him, and there was no way to break that spoken contract.

In today’s culture, much of what causes the struggle between Jacob and Esau would be ‘solved’ by simply stating ‘Well, I didn’t mean it like that.” or “I didn’t say that.” or there would be a claim made about fake news & false reporting. Even when the situation was disastrous for them, they maintained their integrity when it came to their spoken word and commitments.


Esau is devastated when he finds out Jacob has tricked their blind, aged father out of his blessing. But one Isaac had spoken the words, there was no way to withdraw them. Once Esau had committed his portion of the inheritance to his brother for a bowl of soup, the deal was done and the words had sealed it. What you say matters. Your word is your bond.

Today, though, words are treated like they are cheap. You can say something and act like it was never said. You can write something, or be recorded saying it and claim you never said or did that thing. And this is absolutely insane! There is no call for integrity unless someone vulnerable or oppressed has been harmed. When children are abused and mistreated, we speak up and expect hard lines. But when two adults interact with each other, like Jacob and Laban did, then we allow for all sorts of gray space that is open for interpretation. And you can’t have it both ways.

Jacob finds this out when Laban pulls the old switcheroo on him on his wedding night, subbing in his older daughter Leah. Both of them are harmed in this interaction, Leah is now committed to a man that she does not love and who does not love her, and Jacob has been cheated out of the relationship he had worked so hard to provide. This was a seven year build up & Laban swapped his daughters like they were a pair of socks. He had no personal integrity. And now Jacob gets to see what it’s like to be mistreated.

It’s a bad situation all the way around. Now Leah and Rachel will spend the next decades fighting over the affections and attention of one man who really isn’t all that different from dear old dad. At least we are given an insight into Leah’s plight and her building relationship and dependence on God. There is some good that comes from her pain…a pain that shouldn’t have occurred if integrity was a priority.

In the Bible, Jesus tells us very plainly to let our ‘Yes’ be a yes and our ‘No’ really be a no (Matthew 5:37.) Anything else, He says, filters down from evil and the evil one. What we say matters. Sticking with our commitment matters. How we treat our fellow human beings matters. And when our integrity is all that we have left, it is still worth fighting for…every single time.

When Integrity is compromised everyone gets hurt. When it is fought for, human dignity, our own reputations, and our walk with Jesus will win the day.

Planting for the Future

In Mark 4, Jesus tells a parable about a seed growing:

“And he said, “The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground. He sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows; he knows not how. The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. But when the grain is ripe, at once he puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come.”

What is the point of the parable? Which element is most important?
That a seed is planted right?


I would want to say that the seed grows, but it cannot grow unless it is first planted. So, the planting must, by necessity, come first. When we look at the planting, we will notice a few key actions.

Number one, the man took up the seed and went to the field.
Number two, he placed the seed in his hand and chose where to scatter it.
Number three, he went to work, trusting in what he did not understand in order to accomplish what he knew needed to be done.

This is the work of the kingdom. There are elements of what God calls us to do in Christ that are non-negotiable. We who have received the Word & Gospel must take up ownership of it and go to the field. When Jesus commands us to make disciples it isn’t a point of debate. He is our Master, and this is His will. Secondly, we must take a hold of the Gospel, personally, purposefully and then make a plan to spread it around. Third, we take action and do what we planned and were commanded to do.

We don’t have to know all the details. We don’t have to harness great skill. We simply need to be obedient to the task, trusting that God will do what He intends to do, and that He will seek His own glory in it all. This is right and good.

We cannot balk because we don’t know everything. We are not God. We never know what will grow from what we sow, and that’s okay.  It’s not for us, but for Him, and for those who will grow to Him from that effort. We simply trust and obey.

Check out this article about a man who was preparing for the future, and how his seed went to work long after he was gone. It’s a cool story.

What’s your story? Where are you in the process of scattering the Gospel seed?